Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
George Bernard Shaw Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
David Letterman Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Dave Letterman Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Space Ghost People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match.
David Letterman Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
P. G. Wodehouse Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.
Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Jay Leno The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
David Letterman Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Ogden Nash Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker
Robin Williams See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Tracy Morgan I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people
Robin Williams Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
Abraham Lincoln If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Will Rogers Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Jay Leno How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Jay Leno Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Unknown Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole.
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

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