Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Abraham Lincoln If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
George Carlin Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Jay Leno Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Dave Letterman USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
Abraham Lincoln If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Mark Twain The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Will Rogers Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
George Carlin When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
David Letterman Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Zeno The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
Robin Williams Comedy is acting out optimism.
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Dave Chappelle You know you must be doing something right if old people like you
Jimmy Kimmel There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people
David Letterman Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!
Frank Zappa Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
Ogden Nash Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker
Oscar Wilde I can resist everything except temptation.
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
Jay Leno How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

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