Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Jay Leno Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
P. G. Wodehouse Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.
Zeno The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.
Frank Zappa Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
David Letterman Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!
Demetri Martin Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal
David Letterman Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
Madonna Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
George Carlin The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, \You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done.\""
Robin Williams Comedy is acting out optimism.
Jay Leno How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Dave Letterman Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Will Rogers Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Quentin Crisp For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
Robert Bloch The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
Harry S Truman If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
Zenna Schaffer Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
George Carlin I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
David Letterman Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
Mark Twain The report of my death was an exaggeration.

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