Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Oscar Wilde I can resist everything except temptation.
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Will Rogers Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
Guy Davenport Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
P. G. Wodehouse Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.
Abraham Lincoln If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Harry S Truman If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
Robin Williams Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
Tracy Morgan I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
Jay Leno How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people
David Letterman Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
George Carlin I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Madonna Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Jay Leno The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
George Carlin Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Bernard Shaw Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
Space Ghost People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match.
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Ogden Nash Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker
Dave Letterman USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Mark Twain The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Quentin Crisp For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.

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