Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

George Carlin I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, \You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done.\""
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Will Rogers Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Jay Leno Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Guy Davenport Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Will Rogers Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
Demetri Martin Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal
Abraham Lincoln It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Abraham Lincoln It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Robin Williams Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.
George Bernard Shaw Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
Jay Leno The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Madonna Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
David Letterman Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people
George Carlin Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Robert Bloch The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Harry S Truman If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
Frank Zappa Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
Tracy Morgan I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
Ogden Nash Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker

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